Hang on to yourself

In addition to teaching Integrated Science, I have been assigned to role of Housemistress at KpanSec. As I think I've said before, I am the first female teacher at the school, and consequently the first Housemistress. I am still learning what it means to fulfill the role, but generally I am responsible for all the boarding girls (~300). I am responsible for organizing the dormitory, getting girls to the clinic, and most importantly managing their well-being. Basically everything girl-related. It's a tough job, but an important one. When I first arrived the Headmaster, also new to KpanSec, and I had many discussions about the significance of this position and how badly the girls are in need of a strong female role model. I am lucky to have a Headmaster, and Senior Housemaster (Push) for that matter, who are so progressive in their thoughts about the potential for female students. From the beginning they have been strong supporters of mine, pushing me to make positive transformations of the girls.

I seem to always be hearing phrases like "These girls need sex so badly," and other disparaging remarks along the same lines. It became clear after awhile that many of the other masters were happy to, how should I put it, help the girls with their needs. Of course this is all hush hush, and God forbid anyone actually come to me and help me see this problem, but I have begun to navigate the issue. Almost all of the masters (myself included) live the so-called Masters Quarters, about a quarter mile from school. According the GES (Ghana Education Service) policies, no students are allowed in the Masters Quarters. Heh, for that matter according to GES policies no masters are supposed to have sexual relations with students and masters are actually supposed to show up to all of their classes, but I digress. Now, many of the girls do come to the MQs, mostly to do all of the washing, cooking and cleaning for the masters, because obviously they are incapable of doing those things for themselves without their wives living with them. As preposterous and pathetic as I think that is, I realize there's not much I can do to change that, unfortunately that is simply the role women play in society. So I keep my mouth shut.

Last term two incidents coincided in one week that have changed things. I'll try to spare the details. In the first incident, I saw a girl at a master's house washing his clothes during school hours. The master was nowhere to be seen, so I went to the girl and told her that she was to go to class immediately, for her job is to be at school. I feel as Housemistress it is my responsibility to ensure the girls are going to class. So as I told her to be on her way, of course the master comes along, a master I considered to be a good friend in fact. Well, he had a serious problem with me telling the girl to leave. Ridiculous drama ensued from there. Unfortunately I don't think we are friends anymore. Not my choice.

The second and more serious episode occurred later that week. Every Saturday we have House Inspections. Each of the 4 boys houses, as well as the girls house, has to be impeccably cleaned, and then a group of masters and a dignitary from the village come to rate them. It's a big deal. Early Saturday mornings are spent cleaning, and everyone must participate. If you don't participate then you become a day student. On this particular Saturday I found some girls hiding out at a master's house to do washing for his wife (ok, I know this will sound sexist out of context, but the man has a wife and two small girls, why does he need more girls to come and do washing for him?!?!?). I chased them away to go clean the dormitory. I had to go back on 3 occasions that morning to chase girls away from his house. This was incredibly inappropriate for the girls to be going there and for the master to allow it (I hate using the term master, the connotation disgusts me). I had already been hearing small rumors about this particular master in his "girlfriends" in the school. So in accordance with the Senior Housemaster, and ultimately with the support of the Headmaster, I made a rule that no girl is allowed to go to his house without my permission. Oh that did not make him happy.

The following week I saw two girls at his house again. The girls know the rule, and so does this master. When I saw them over there I was livid. Perhaps against my better judgement I marched over there and told the girls that they know the rules and that they were to go and collect their buckets (for punishment, my pathetic attempt at non-coprporal punishment is to collect buckets of gravel). I was furious with the master, but tried not to show it. But of course, he leapt up and basically began to shout at me that he is the girls master, I am not, they do not have to listen to me and that they have to listen to him, blah blah blah. It was hard to argue back because, well, this person is not the most educated or reasonable, and so he heard nothing I had to say. But as soon as he started to shout at me (shout at me for doing my job!!) I had to shout back. I think it is important for the girls to see that you cannot let any man just push you around and prevent you from doing your job because you are a women, and that you should not back down just because some stupid man thinks he has the right to yell at you, and for them to see their Housemistress (I have a much higher rank in the school than he does) be yelled at by some silly master was not helping. I tried to be logical, but it was not working with this one. It ultimately ended with him yelling racial slurs at me and telling me to go back to America. Mind you, this shouting match attracted just about the whole neighborhood. Just wonderful. (And for those who know me well, I hope you can appreciate the monumental amount of self-restraint it took not to yell insults right back at this person, even though they were brewing in my head. Not as if he would even understand them, moron).

Both situations resulted in meetings with the higher ups, and for what it's worth I had the full support of the administration and both masters were admonished. In fact, the Headmaster took the step to announce to the entire school the enforcement of the rule that no girl is allowed to the MQs without my permission. Here's where the real problem comes from. Now this all happened back in November, so you'd think we'd have all settled into this rule. Not that this is even a new rule, it is a GES rule! But it's enforcement is new. Part of the reason the Headmaster made me Housemistress was so that this rule could be enforced. I mean for Christ's sake last year a girl was impregnated by a master! This is necessary. Otherwise, why do girls even come to school? Oh, that's right, to do all of the menial work for the masters and keep their beds warm at night.

I thought things were going ok. I felt that this "new" rule was not only to protect the girls, but also to teach them responsibility and accountability for their actions. It's not so much to spy on the masters. I can't be responsible for their actions, but I am responsible for the girls. So I thought things were ok- I had the support of the Headmaster, both Assistant Headmasters, and the Senior Housemaster (basically all the Big Men on campus). They were constantly telling me that I was doing the right thing and that's why they asked me here. Though, I started to sense that some of the masters were getting cold to me. To make a long story short, it has recently been made clear to me that almost all of the other masters are livid with me and think I am overstepping my bounds. They have just about turned it into a fight for me to enforce this one rule. They have gone out of their way to make it impossible for me to do just about any aspect of my job. Sometimes I feel like they get mad at me for showing up to all of my classes on time, because it makes them look they are not working. Needless to say, life here has been tough for the past few weeks. I had no idea people were so upset by this rule. I think I am just doing my job- the job they asked me to come here and do. To be honest, I think I am doing my job quite gracefully. In so many ways there needs to be radical changes at this school, but I know I cannot do that, I think I am doing my job practically and reasonably, not in a way meant to offend anyone. I feel that I am constantly tiptoeing around cultural taboos and making every effort to appease everyone. But I am beginning to realize that no matter what I do, I will offend someone. And who knew that by trying to do my job people would take it as a personal offense? The atmosphere here is so child-like. Everyone gossips, no one will be honest about how they feel. They will just smile and then talk serious shit about you behind your back. I came here to do the job asked of me, and I am not going to do it in this Ghanian way of not doing it at all and just sitting under the mango tree all day. If I am prevented from doing my job, then why did they bring me all the way from the other side of the world to do it? Obviously they recognize the problem or they wouldn't have asked for help. The Headmaster and other Big Men are removed from the day to day situation. They have their offices, and they don't live in the MQs. To them I need to keep working and keep my chin up. They want more of what I'm doing. But what more can I do- I've only created one rule (and not even created, just enforced), and look at the backlash. I wish just someone would acknowledge what I sacrificed to come here and do this. I gave up my job, my home, my friends, my family, my lifestyle, I put medical school on hold, to come here and do this thankless job, for no salary I should add.

This is not what I imagined. I want to be a Peace Corps Volunteer. I want to live in Africa. I want to help people help themselves. I want to develop sustainable programs. I want to be somewhere that wants my help. My help is not wanted here. I did not come here to fight. I did not come here to push my values on others. I came here because I thought they wanted me here. As admirable as teaching can be, I do not think it is effective as a PC program. We cannot change the system, we cannot change gender politics, we cannot change school politics, we cannot change how people value education. Ultimately, we are only here for 2 years, and whatever small impact we have made, things will go back to they way they were once we leave. At most we are impacting the lives of a few school children. And isn't that about the same that American teachers can say? How is it any different here? There are teachers available here. They want me to behave like a Ghanaian teacher- teach to the WASSCE, teach straight out of the book, discourage critical thinking, not attend class. One person cannot change that. I don't want to be complacent for 2 years. But I also don't have the energy to fight an uphill battle for 2 years, nor do I think that's my job. When I envisioned PC I thought about helping people who want help, becoming a valued member of the community. Helping to develop Guinea Worm eradication programs, helping to find clean drinking water, organizing HIV/AIDS education- and these are things that the Omnibus volunteers are doing. These are the kinds of projects that will outlast our time here and make positive impacts in the community. I don't think teaching has the same effect.

Part of the reason I was sent here by PC was to be a teacher, but another significant goal they have is community integration. Right now I am not confident that I can do both. I don't see how I can strike a balance between doing my assigned job well and making friends and having cross-cultural exchanges. Don't get me wrong, I still have a handful of friends in town that I enjoy quite a bit, but is that enough?

Maybe this comes across as insignificant, but this is my life. It is effecting every part of it. My neighbors, my friends, my classes. This is a small village and people sure like to gossip. How can I be an effective PCV when I don't feel comfortable leaving my house? That no matter what I do it will be wrong in someone's eyes? I was reading something a few weeks ago about how memories work, and something stuck with me. Apparently the more people retell their memories (put words to them), the more embellished they become. Research has proven that the less people tell stories of their memories the more accurate they are. Now imagine a group of people (let's say teachers) who sit around in a room all day (let's say a staff common room) gossiping with each other (let's say instead of teaching) because they have nothing else to talk about. It doesn't take so long for the smallest most insignificant issue to get a head of its own. Especially when you toss in the whole mob mentality and the inferiority of a woman in this culture. The situation has gotten so out of hand that I can't even understand it anymore. I honestly don't think they do, either.

At this point I am questioning why I am here. I don't think I am helping. I know I do not have the strength to continue like this for another 18 months. I am tired. I feel defeated. I don't know what to do.

P.S. Kofa was ran over by a moto yesterday. I think he's going to be ok, but it was a stressful night. Poor little dude.

P.P.S. My camera is broken.